News is emerging that the real reason for the defeat of ISIS in its strongholds like Raqqa and Mosul was not because of relentless military action. International agencies say that a scheme called Rahul Gandhi Bekar Udyog Sahayata Yojna (RG-BUSY), named after the young and dynamic Indian National Congress president, has helped hundreds of ISIS terrorists get jobs and shun the gun.

At least 25,000 hardened ISIS fighters, who had converged in Iraq and Syria to bomb, shoot, behead, rape and torture in the name of the Almighty, are now digging ditches under the scheme.

“I came to Syria from the UK with just a gun and some grenades, looking for a job. Then ISIS hired me. I’d start my mornings by raping and slashing a couple of captured slave girls I was allotted, then deliver menacing speeches in front of the camera before beheading a few dazed men in orange jumpsuits,” said Jihadi Jack alias Jack Gardner.  “It never felt like a real job. I’m glad the days of bloodshed and darkness are behind me. Now RG-BUSY has got me busy.”

Gardner now digs ditches on odd days, and on even days, fills those up. He makes enough money under RG-BUSY through this gainful employment.

Radical international thinker and activist Arundhati Roy recently reminded the world how the RG-BUSY model philosophically borrows from two highly successful schemes. First is the Congress-led UPA government’s NREGA/NREGS, a wonderful scheme which not just paid people for not having to create any asset at all, but also paid more than a crore people who did not even exist!

The second torch-bearer for RG-BUSY has been Arvind Kejriwal’s Odd-Even Scheme, in which citizens were asked to take out their cars according to registration numbers. This resulted in zero change in Delhi’s pollution, but made people buy more cars so they can drive out in their even-number car on one day and odd-number car on the other.

Under RG-BUSY, you get to dig a ditch on odd days and fill it up on even days.

“Rahul Gandhi’s scheme has changed our lives,” said former ISIS jihadi Abu bin Behedin. “I am the only son of an extremely rich and powerful politician in Yemen. I bravely fought off all efforts to teach me any skill, resolutely remaining jobless and feeding on family fortune. Then I joined ISIS so that I could be adequately destructive. Rahul Gandhi understands the pain of people like me who need a job.”

There was, however, a tinge of hurt in Bin Behedin’s voice. “Mr Gandhi shouldn’t be comparing Indian cow vigilante lynch mobs to us, the ISIS. In terms of scale and brutality, we are an ocean, they are a drop. It hurts when Rahul-ji and his cronies compare us, the masters of global terror, to a bunch of local hotheads. We’d be happy to train those idiots.”

(This is a spoof)